Christian Kinnersley

What is there to say about this one… Obsessed with being ”the alpha”, and this character he believes himself to be. Narcissistic and selfish beyond comprehension. A consummate egomaniac, and an extreme male superiority complex that gives him a belief that woman (and all men) are inferior. His intense resentment towards women might also be the reason he can’t connect with any. Despite the extreme ego, he is so obsessed with praise he seeks attention by posting photos and videos of his penis on Reddit, and waits with anticipation for comments. Even though he knows it’s mostly men who like and comment, praise is everything to him. A virgin, who never had a relationship for the first 26 years of his life, probably because most women can tell what a loathsome person he is, he is unable to make a connection with someone in real life, so he finds sexual relationships on Reddit, where they can exist completely online. According to him he spent all of his Oxford years masturbating on Skype for random people online. I couldn’t invent such a cautionary tale.

A cautionary tale none the less. I would begin what would be a long years. It would forever change my ability to love and trust another person.

Believing that people are inherently good has always been my downfall. I didn’t even realize I did that until I started noticing the motley group of characters on this blog. This is a cautionary blog so of course the people I mention are the worst of the worst of what I encounter. But what makes this story so despairing is that it came from someone I loved and trusted implicitly. Someone I would have given my life for, only to find out later that I didn’t know that person at all.

In fact I don’t even know if that person really existed. That’s the worst; being unable to believe your own reality, and questioning everything you thought you knew. Nothing is what it seems with him. He lies so much you never know what the truth is. He has so many versions of himself, but no one sees the whole person. He kept things from his twin. He doesn’t open up to his ”friends”. It’s hard to trust anything he says when no one knows the real him. I’ve never met anyone who lies so easily. I tried very hard, and probably got the closest to knowing him, but when someone is so dishonest what is the reality?

Emotional abuse is subtle. It doesn’t look like physical abuse. It differs from person to person. But the manipulation, the games, the stonewalling, the hot and cold, and withholding of affection and attention, all hurt as much as physical abuse. Your mental state is forever fractured and it’s hard to come back from. You’re forever changed from the toll it takes on you. Your relationships will never be the same because you’ve been hurt and manipulated by the one person who was meant not to hurt you.

They tell you things like “I’m just winding you up” when something hurts so it never comes off as intentional. It’s always “constructive”. “I would love you more” if you did this. Love always comes with conditions. “Maybe if you didn’t act that way”. “Maybe if you were better behaved I could see a future with you”. “If you were skinnier, I could love you more”. “If you were more attractive, you could be good enough for me”. I was apparently not as attractive as what he ‘deserved’ but he would always force me into having sex, despite me telling him very clearly “no”. All of these head games cause you to go crazy. Everything is under the guise that they are trying to “make you better” (so you can be good enough for them). Your self-esteem is slowly stripped away until you’re a shell of your former self. I am a strong person, who isn’t afraid to call anyone out, but after a year I was worn down. I was constantly questioning myself and my worth, which is not something that had crossed my mind before.

One Thanksgiving at a restaurant, I don’t remember how or why, but that night he took an interest in the way I held my knife and fork. We had been dating for months, but on this particular night he decided to scold and ridicule me. “My mother would think you were low class”. On and on it went that I wasn’t posh enough for him. I wouldn’t fit in with “his set”, and his friends. His twin, whose opinion consumes him, would think less of him if he ever met me. I wasn’t good enough for him, and he wasn’t sure I ever would be. Before I met him I had never had anyone imply I was an unworthy person, I didn’t have self doubt, I never questioned myself, but he never let me believe otherwise. I ended up spending the rest of dinner in the toilettes crying.

As it happens Americans hold their dinnerware differently. It’s a cultural difference. But that never changed how he treated me. He hates Americans (this apparently stemmed from his time at BlackRock), and according to him all Americans are beneath him. He is a terribly aspirational snob. His last name should be Middleton. He obsesses over class. He is so concerned with appearances, and what people think of him, especially what his twin and his twin’s girlfriend would think, it’s all he cares about.

He has some bizarre, perverse relationship with his brother Henry, and Henry’s girlfriend Rebecca Pearce. It’s like they’re in a threesome relationship together. She hated me from the start, despite me having never met her. I’ve never understood insecure women who hate other women for no other reason than their own insecurity and immaturity. They’re not allies. They’re anti-feminist and work to enable the patriarchy. She used to call me “Anfisa” (a Russian bride from 90 Day Fiancé) which I never understood, but insecurity breeds jealousy. I get it. I’ve heard that it happens to those kinds of women, the Kate Middletons of the world. I used to call her Christian’s Sister Wife because she instigated herself far too much in our affairs, business in my opinion that was not her’s. The extreme jealousy she had for someone she had never met led me to believe she had feelings for Christian, or that Christian wasn’t allowed to have a girlfriend that wasn’t her. His obsession with them, and the whole dynamic they have is all so very strange. I have never encountered an incestuous/jealous twin relationship before so I can’t understand it (and I’m a twin), but their opinion controls every aspect and decision in his life. He is obsessed with what they think of him. 

And of course how he looks to others. Every move he makes is based on “how will others perceive me?, and “how can I be better than everyone else?”. It sounds at odds with being a narcissist, but thinking you’re better than everyone, and being obsessed with what others think of you, go hand in hand. He is a narcissist, who is extremely insecure, with a superiority complex. He should be more humble, considering his many, many failings both looks wise and in the bedroom, and his disgusting hygiene habits which includes bathing just once a week, but alas his sense of self does not match the reality.

 Every relationship with another person is a game to him. He thinks everything is a competition. He needs to have the upper hand in every relationship. In this case it was always ‘I’m the best, this further proves my dominance’.

And that’s what it was; Domination. He loved being dominant. Over everyone. He’s a tyrant. He was a bully in grammar school, and got kicked out of school for it (lucky for him Oxford accepted him before he was expelled), and 10 years later he’s still a bully. To be on his good side you have to become subservient to him. You can never challenge him. You have to always give in. He always has to be in charge. In every dynamic he has to be the one holding the power. If he isn’t, he acts like a child and pouts until he gets his way. Or he’ll write you off altogether. It’s petulant, but not at all out of character for someone who crafts their world so they are the center of it. I have never met a smaller minded and less well rounded person before. It amazes me that at 26 someone can still be so immature.

Everyone at work was always a problem. He was always in trouble or being reprimanded by HR. There were always issues with his bosses or coworkers because no one is as smart as he is. He’s the best at everything. He was the only one who knew what he was doing. You should never question him. He was never wrong.

He went to Oxford, he studied PPE, to him that meant he was the ‘elite’ (despite being quite uneducated and ignorant). It is quite sad when someone peaks at such a young age, and can’t move on from their “glory days”. He used to send me articles, constantly bragging (he is an unabashed braggart), about how PPE graduates run the country (UK) and how special Grammar school boys are. In his mind he is actually even more elite than his peers at Oxford because he’s the “alpha”. According to him he is smarter, better, greater than everyone. There is no one whom he respects or admires because no one is on his level. According to him he grew up with a weak father, so every male that isn’t him is a “beta”.

And all women are ‘dumb bitches’. They deserve to be paid less because they are not good enough to do what men can. Especially in the world of finance, which he inhabits. A woman’s only use is to be a secretary. They don’t have the mental capabilities, and only got work, because they filled the ‘woman quota’. That’s his excuse for why any woman has a top job anywhere.

“Women are too emotional and crazy”. His relationship with his mother is the reason for his extreme resentment towards women. She called the police on him for hitting her, and had him thrown in jail for a domestic when he was 17 so his hate for women runs deep.  Every time I did something he didn’t like I was “acting just like my mother”. She really did a number on him because his lack of respect, and belief that women are inferior, is nothing I have encountered before. There is a theory that men are inherently afraid of women, and have vilified women for centuries because they are afraid of our “power”. They seek to take down strong women because they’re targets. Put in that context it makes his attraction to strong women seem even more nefarious. He often jokes about what would happen if he ever has daughters (no doubt loads of emotional issues and therapy hours is what they’ll end up with), he jokes about disowning them, shipping them away, or abandoning them and their mother because girls are weak and having girls would be the ultimate sin. His hatred for women is one step from Incel, so asking for respect from him was probably too much of an ask.

At work he would get into trouble constantly. There were always issues. “I do what I want” is his daily mantra. He refuses to do anything that anyone else asks of him; showing up on time, stop wearing trainers, wear suits, simple little things, that shouldn’t have been a battle, always were. He cannot, or outright refuses, to change himself. Even if it comes at the detriment of  his career, or his relationships with other people. No one is as clever as him, so he doesn’t respect anyone and therefore doesn’t need to change.

And the selfishness. He must have been raised by a family of wolves, at least that’s how I justified it because only awful people could in turn raise someone so awful. His character lacks decent kindness, or any virtues for that matter. He isn’t capable of caring about a single person but himself. 

An example, his birthday is December 13th, so it was always kind of a combined birthday/Christmas holiday each year. He refused to spend that time with me because he always chose football and skiing, but I am big on birthdays and holidays, so for our first year I decorated with banners and balloons. He then used them to decorate his mother’s house for his twin brother’s birthday. I wasn’t allowed to spend his birthday with him, but he could recycle my thoughtfulness for his family’s needs. 

I got him a cake, champagne, and all of his favorite foods. I had a hamper from Fortnum & Mason delivered to his work on the day of his birthday. I bought him all of his favorite things; Adidas trainers, a jumper, Calvin Klein boxers, and a bunch of stuff from Barbour. I wanted him to have lots of presents because I wasn’t there in person and I wanted him to feel special. Everything I bought him was to ensure he was warm, dry, and taken care of during a London winter. In turn he got me an umbrella. The next year I bought him a bunch of warm clothes, a huge vintage map of Paris, and a smaller one of the Marais, because he’d always wanted them. He got me a card. That he filled out while I was in the shower a few days after because he couldn’t be bothered. He then spent £400 mounting the map of Paris to hang in his living room.

It wasn’t the material things, I bought him things because I genuinely enjoy spoiling the people I care about. The material didn’t matter, what bothered me was the fact that he honestly cannot think of anyone but himself. How hard is it to write something thoughtful in a card? He really is the only person that matters. I was someone that he claims to have “really loved”, but even I wasn’t immune. Respect, selflessness, consideration for others, these are not a part of his character. He lacks any ability whatsoever to see past himself, and his own needs and desires. His excuse would be “I’m bad at buying gifts for people”, and that would be the end of the discussion. He couldn’t even fake it just to make someone else happy. Like everything else when it comes to him, he is too obstinate to change. His arrogance leads him to believe he has no faults, so in his mind he’s “perfect” as is.

Unfortunately all of these traits laid the groundwork for psychological abuse. Dominance didn’t just occur in work relationships, and social relationships, it occurred in personal relationships. There was always some excuse for how things were my fault, even when they clearly weren’t. I was never good enough, but after he hurt me I was always “great”. It was a constant back and forth of manipulation. I was always wrong, but it wasn’t “me”. He would say something but I wasn’t hearing him in the manner he meant it. I was “amazing”, but not good enough for him. I am someone who works at things, who wants to understand, who is always looking for ways to better myself, or finding ways for compromise, but I always failed with him. He is the only person who can win. He is the only person who is right. His way is the only way.

I can’t even explain to you what this does to someone’s psyche. There was always gaslighting of the truth and reality. Always an excuse for why something was never his fault. And always the fallback when he couldn’t explain it away “I’m never going to change so deal with it”. It’s a pertinacity against personal growth that is immature and pigheaded. And when he couldn’t win an argument, he’d just ignore you. He couldn’t be wrong if it didn’t exist. It is so unbelievably childish I still can’t understand how a grown and “educated” man acts that way. Like a child he will throw a strop until he gets his way. If that doesn’t work he will take his attention away until you do what he wants (I’ve seen him do it with his friends and bosses too). Every relationship for him is a chance for manipulation.

I don’t think I will ever come back from the toll this relationship took. I have a long road of hard work ahead. I’m sure it will be a lot of therapy, and if I ever find someone whom I connect with again, it will take a lot of patience and understanding, because trust will not be something I give away freely. How do you trust anyone after something like that? How do you believe anything anyone says?

I still love him very much. I miss him everyday, but I cannot understand this situation. I am confused by all of it, and trying to understand it makes the pain worse. I see the traits; domineering, tyrannical, manipulative, arrogant, narcissistic, misogynistic, controlling, selfish, and I understand how they come together to make the whole, but I can’t rationalize it with the person I want to believe I knew.

Apparently all of this is normal. It is not something that is easily explained. Emotional abuse is confusing because it comes from someone who says they love and care about you. But abusers always say that when they are abusing you, as if that makes it okay. Well after two years of emotional abuse, I am not okay.

 

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Immediately after writing this story he contacted me and was angry about the post. He spent three hours manipulating me, gaslighting me, guilting me, and being the kindest he’s been in a long time. He was sweet, he kept calling me “baby”, and suddenly we were the best of friends again. I felt bad for upsetting him. I felt guilty because he said I was hurting him. I didn’t want him to hate me. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything would be okay.

But he wanted something from me.

He’s so used to asserting his will, or putting on his “charming” act as he calls it, to get his way, when I didn’t do what he wanted, he punished me for it. The pain I felt from that is something I can’t even describe. You’re hopeless, and it feels like it can never end, but you want to do anything to make it stop. I would rather shut down to people for the rest of my life than risk having another human being inflict that on me again.

I wrote this as a means of healing. Reading these things was meant to remind me that I wasn’t losing something valuable, no matter how much it hurt me not to have him there. And sometimes it is healing to write what you are feeling. Even if that only lasts for a short moment.

What you leave behind isn’t just pain but absence. A supreme blankness that triumphs over everything else.

I have spent the last month questioning the legitimacy of something, and someone, I used to have complete trust in. Until you’re in that position you have no idea how much it pushes you to the breaking point. There were moments were I felt, and still feel, like I am having a mental breakdown. I have always thought of myself as resilient and strong, and able to handle anything that life throws at me because up until now I have, but the overwhelming despair and sadness is something I cannot cope with. I constantly feel like I am a broken person now and I can’t see a light at the end of this. Nothing in life has ever beaten me, but this has completely demolished me. I don’t have the strength to get back up. I am defeated.

I also hoped that I would find solace in letting other’s know that they are not alone. I believe that the #MeToo movement has gone a long way in helping woman understand situations that cause them permanent damage. There is power in numbers, and I believe it helps to hear other people’s stories and know we aren’t alone. There is someone else who has gone through what you have, and it doesn’t make you any less of a person. There is no shame in someone hurting you.

As you can see he and I had a relationship that was only ever one sided. I had no one else. He was the only person I could turn to during our time together. Any time I tried to leave the relationship I couldn’t. According to him “I needed him”, “he was the only one who cared about me”, he couldn’t “lose me”. He would guilt me. He wouldn’t let me go more than a day without him. If I turned off iMessage to avoid speaking to him, he would hunt me down on every form of social media until I answered him. I am stubborn, and I will always try everything to make something work. I always caved because I couldn’t stand to see him in pain, and I wanted to believe him. I wanted to work on it.

When I try to look at our relationship objectively I can see what an awful person he is. Now that I no longer have anything to lose, I can see the manipulation tactics he employs. “But you say you want us to hang out together still”, like a carrot to get me to do what he wants. His attention is worthless to me now. It can no longer be held over my head. I no longer have to please him.

After reading this post, he has accused me of “doing criminal” things by writing it. Unfortunately for him there are text messages proving everything I wrote. I don’t lie. I don’t fabricate. And of course when I failed to give in to his demands, he grew even angrier. He uses so many abusive techniques to get what he wants, it amazes me how he can pretend to be blind to his manipulation tactics. Or perhaps that’s his game. He’s always lying to get what he wants. Of course he becomes irate when it stops working. His sociopathic tendencies really are on another level. 

The truth is I never wanted to hurt him. I cared about him deeply. I would have done anything, and would give anything, to have him with me. From my point of view he was someone I loved very much. I had never loved anyone as much before. I made him my whole world (and in turn he destroyed it). He was my best friend, my confidante, he was the closest I have ever been to another person, and I was under the impression that we meant more to each other. I certainly never envisioned living a life without him. It hurts to lose my best friend more than I can ever write in words.

I am not a malicious person. I don’t set out to hurt people. I am very conscious of how my actions can affect others. I still feel shame and guilt when he says that I am hurting him. It’s stupid, I know, because he certainly never thought twice about hurting me. I wanted him to acknowledge what he did, but my feelings never even came up. It was all about him. If he bothered to look outside himself, or think about anyone but himself, he might see a person in love who is tortured. Instead he is so self-involved he thinks that I am out to get him. Everything is about him.

My intention with this post was to heal. I still cannot make sense of this, and I can’t understand how it went so wrong. How does someone turn on and off so easily? Who was that person I knew in the beginning? Did I imagine him? It’s probably my naive hope that people are good that I rationalize it by thinking I knew two different people. Especially when that person tells you over and over again that they don’t want to hurt you, and they “care about you”, and they “love you very much”. Why lie? I only knew one person, and he manipulated, and lied about everything, and he feels absolutely no remorse.

After the last conversation I had with him, it is clear that he can only see himself as the victim. He asserts that I am “weak and cannot move on”, and it is “unhealthy” to pay so much attention to this situation. He “has moved on and he will never look back, and I need to do the same”. He says he has met someone new who has read my post and “this isn’t a good use of my life”. I won’t even get into how selfish it is to flagrantly break lockdown to hunt for a new victim. Dalmore should really look into all of those “sick” days he scams them out of. I find it completely absurd that I was never allowed to leave the relationship, but now I’m painted as “psychotic” because I have thoughts on a relationship, and a person, that tore me apart. I wish I could snap my fingers and make all of this go away but alas I wasn’t the abuser.

There was a quote in “Dead Like Me” that I found very apropo. The son tells his mother “it’s not my fault she’s crazy” after his ex-girlfriend spray paints the family’s garage, and Christina Applegate retorts “ She is not crazy. You treated her like shit, so she was driven crazy,”. I know this is a hard concept for some people to understand but your actions profoundly affect others. Even if you can’t believe they do, listen to people when they tell you they have. Be an adult and take accountability for your actions. It’s simple.

To consistently abuse someone for years, belittle them after they tell you how you’ve hurt them, and then weaponize your new relationship by throwing it in their face that after one month you’ve easily moved on, and they’re pathetic for being unable to? Imagine being so tone deaf. Imagine being so cruel. There is something sinister that runs deep through him. I used to think he was just selfish, but it’s so much more than that. He is a disgusting, garbage human being.

Unfortunately I don’t have the ability to move past this yet. I was the unlucky one who was on the receiving end of his abuse and manipulation. I am unfortunate to not be able to move on so quickly. The damage he has done is something that will take years of work to try to undue, if it can ever be undone. He destroyed me, but has the cheek to say ‘walk it off’? He’s an insensitive, egocentric prick. 

The truth is, if someone really loved you they would never treat you like that.

All I hope anyone can take from this is that people don’t change. You can try to explain to them how hurt you are, but they don’t care. Especially people as narcissistic as he is. No matter how much you tell them “you hurt me”, they are never going to feel the pain that they inflicted on you. And in this case they will paint themselves as the victim. He cares so much more about what people will think about him, than about the pain he put someone through, it’s disgusting.

I shouldn’t be surprised by the outcome. Abusers will always find a way to blame you. They are incapable of accepting that they are abusive. Or in this case, they simply don’t care. As someone who takes accountability for my wrongs, self reflects constantly, and consistently works to change my bad behaviors, it is something I am still having trouble accepting. But people this horrid aren’t capable of self-reflection, if they were they wouldn’t be such terrible people.

I so badly wished he would realize his wrongs, make the changes, and run off into the sunset with me. But he can’t acknowledge the damage he has caused. It’s all about him. He’s not capable of holding himself accountable. At the end of our relationship I begged him to try couple’s therapy, when he refused I asked him to seek much needed therapy on his own. I really felt that he could benefit by talking to someone. But he doesn’t believe in therapy. I desperately wanted this to work. There were moments in our relationship where it seemed great, and I thought it just needed a bit of work to have those times more often.

Unfortunately life isn’t a romcom. The wanker doesn’t figure out being an asshole is really bad and changes for the girl. You don’t live happily ever after. The Beast doesn’t become the Prince.

As women we need to shirk off the idea that if we just love someone enough they’ll change. We are engineered to be okay with “potential” and not with what is right in front of us. We think if we show them affection, patience, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and warmth they will turn into someone who will love us as much as we love them. He had never had a relationship before, he had never experienced affection and love, I used to think that if I was just patient it would all work out.

That is not the case. Love cannot change anyone. Especially someone who “doesn’t need a relationship” and doesn’t care about love. I am aware that sociopaths exist, but I had never dated one before. Patience and understanding will not change that type of person. They will use you for everything that you have, they will take everything you can give, give you nothing in return, and then leave you depleted and broken.

I wish I had something more profound to say, but after a month I am still nowhere near able to make sense of this. I wish I could understand. I certainly tried hard to understand. I blame myself for letting this happen. I feel stupid for believing anything he said, and for thinking a good person could exist in him, when I could see one didn’t. I constantly made excuses for him. I tried to rationalize every bad thing he ever did. I let things slide because I told myself “this is new to him”. And worse I feel dumb for wishing we could go back to those happy times we had together.

I don’t like being angry. I don’t like the person I was in the post above, attacking someone that I loved and would have given my life for. I don’t like carrying around this hurt that is consuming me. I keep hoping one day there will be forgiveness, and we’ll hang out together in Austin and London.

But it’s a pipe dream. It will never happen. Maybe I am weak because I am willing to forgive too easily. Possessing empathy makes me a weak person. But I think what makes me so willing to is the fact that he is the only person I have ever been that close to and I didn’t want to lose that. I waited so long to find that, and the thought of finding that again seems unrealistic. When we met it was an instant spark. A banter that was so easy and so forthcoming. A meeting where everything just clicked into place. It was comfortable, and natural, and flowed effortlessly. I had never had that before. I thought I had found my other half. When you finally find that, you’ll do anything to not lose it.

But thinking that also clouds your judgement. His behavior over the last month has been particularly vile, callous, and cruel, and doesn’t deserve forgiveness. He’s actually become an even worse and crueler person. I need to remind myself constantly that he’s not my friend. I’m not sure he ever was. I want so badly to believe people are good. I want to believe people can learn. But I was just an easy target for him to prey on. What he got from consistently using me, lying to me, and hurting me I will never understand. I need to accept that. I am trying to understand the psychology behind abuse so I can heal, while dealing with this huge hole in my life where a person once took up so much space, and I am failing.

 

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I never considered this because I have never considered myself that kind of person but he gave me an eating disorder. For almost two years he told me I wasn’t skinny enough for him. He would constantly look at old photos of me when I was 53kg (which is what I consider an unhealthy weight as a result of a stressful period), and he would tell me that he wished he could have dated that version of me. His ideal woman is Emily Ratjakowski, who is someone I consider anorexic, and would never want to look like. After so many months of being told I wasn’t enough, I wanted to please him. He would tell me “if you were skinner, I could marry you”. I knew that I had to do it in order to please him. He made me hate my body, which I never did before. I began allowing myself only 1000 calories a day. If I had eaten that, and I was still hungry, I wouldn’t allow myself food. I also had to make sure I burned off all of those calories each day. I was obsessed with it. He would ask me to screenshot my daily steps to make sure I was doing them. Oddly enough when we broke up I didn’t eat for weeks and I ended up losing 30lbs. How happy that would have made him.

Thankfully I now recognize how unhealthy orthorexia (counting calories) is. It leads to an unhealthy relationship with food. I still count calories, it’s something that sticks with you I suppose, but I try to no longer care about “going into the red”. I struggle with it constantly. I sometimes don’t allow myself food. I know it’s bad, but I also can’t help myself.

It’s another layer of the ramifications of what this relationship did to me. Throughout our relationship he would tell me all of the time I was not social enough for him, and I was never allowed in London because I would “embarrass” him, and I wouldn’t fit in because he’s such a social person. I’m a homebody who prefers my own company, and according to him his friends would think I was weird, and they wouldn’t accept me for this. I would reflect badly on him.

I am currently working in America. It’s strange to me because I was told for so long that something was wrong with me for being an introvert. But I make friends easily. Despite the fact that I always knew I was someone that people were easily drawn to, I was constantly told for years that I wasn’t enough. It’s a juxtaposition that I find hard to understand. It’s a constant mindfuck.

Among other things, we broke up in October of 2019. From the period of October 2019 to May 2020 our relationship was off and on. We never went 24 hours without speaking to each other, but we had been fighting since July as that’s when he came to Paris less and less because he wanted to vacation with friends during the summer. We barely got to see each other as it was and I resented him for that. I felt less affection and attraction to him as a result. 

Despite our breakup in October he would beg me to come to Paris. We would fight the Thursday before because, while I still loved him, and always wanted to see him, another part of me would have to hear his arguments about the future of our relationship, and I felt it wasn’t right for him to come. He would always accuse me of manipulation, and making him waste money on tickets, but it was a fair argument in my eyes. I wanted to see him, but I wanted to hear him when he said he had reservations about continuing our relationship. 

It didn’t matter because he always came. I wasn’t allowed to go to London, but he was allowed to come to Paris and stay at my apartment whenever he felt like it. Which was pretty much often because he was always trying to escape his London life. Paris was where he could be himself, and he always found an excuse to come.

Every time I told him beforehand; if you come you can’t touch me. I don’t want to have sex with you. Which is honestly how I felt. The back and forth was too much. He was constantly telling me he was confused and he didn’t know how to rationalize the feelings he had for me with what he thought about his future. If I tried to stop speaking to him, but he would force himself into my life by contacting me on every form of social media until I answered him. It made me extremely confused.   

But he would show up, and the first thing he would do was try to hug me. I would always push him away, but then he would start trying to kiss me. Usually it would stop by us going to dinner. He hates PDA so he would never do it in public. When we would get ready for bed he’d again start trying to be physical. I would tell him you have to sleep on the floor, which was always our means of compromise for him to come to Paris. But he would start trying to touch me and eventually he’d put his fingers in me, which I always hated. It felt like he knew he would get his way as long as he put his fingers in me. Usually I’d be able to keep my legs shut but he would force his way in, and eventually we would have sex. Of course after he would go to the floor.

Every time I voiced how much I hated that he did that afterwards, he would always say “well you got wet so you wanted it” or “you needed to get fucked so you’d stop being a bitch”. Because in his eyes every woman is a bitch because she’s not getting “fucked properly”. And every time was the same, after he got what he wanted he’d go back to being unaffectionate and cold.

I’ve never said this before because I feel like it paints our relationship in an unfavorable light. The truth is there are layers upon layers of stories that show the emotional abuse that occurred during our relationship. I am still trying to unpack them. If I bring any of it up I am accused of lying. Or Christian and his family will paint me as a ‘bitter ex’. The text messages are there. I didn’t make it up. We clearly discussed it amongst each other over the course of months. They’re not lies I fabricated because according to him “we had a bad breakup”. I am tired of him trying to force me into believing that none of it happened.

Every time I think I’ve come to terms with this relationship, I realize that I haven’t. I can’t emotionally connect to people, especially men who I have no respect or regard for, which is turning into a loneliness I can’t bear. I want so badly to be in a relationship, and have that partner that I always dreamed of, and that love, and that best friend that everyone else seems to have so easily, but I can’t. I used to have it. But it’s gone. It makes living unbearable. I will forever have him there reminding me, haunting me, a scar I can’t get rid of. He takes up so much space in my mind on a daily basis that it feels like I will never be rid of him. And I am still trying to gain the confidence that he stole from me back.

This is turning into a very long struggle, which seems to be an extremely, unfairly high price to have paid for loving someone.

 🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂

I am aware of the lies Christian has written about me on his “blog”. I don’t know how someone lies so matter of factly. Do you just not have a conscience? Is there nothing in you that feels bad for being untruthful? But I suppose one will say anything to make themselves look better. The text messages, he wrote, plainly show he’s lying, and yet he can, with a straight face, tell you the sky is green, and the grass is blue. It boggles my mind. I don’t understand it. I really believe it is mental illness. 

Most of his allegations imply criminality, which if they were true, would produce legal repercussions. Let’s not pretend he cares about me, or that he’s doing me any favors by not running to the police. He already has. 

I take offense to the things he wrote. He makes me sound like a criminal. That he could say those things with a straight face… I don’t lie, and because of that I am someone who does not like being called a liar. The more I am pushed, the more I reveal. My sense of justice is just too strong. 

I don’t know what else I could have done in our relationship. I put him over me time and time again. I tried to give him everything he wanted. I sacrificed. I would have done anything for him. I would have given my life for him. It wasn’t enough. 

How much can one person take from you before it’s enough? He ruined my life, and that’s still not enough for him. He wants me to pretend like he didn’t do any of the things that he did.  What he did to me during the course of our relationship was awful. He has inflicted so much permanent and lasting damage, and then he tried to gaslight me into believing he did nothing wrong. He manipulated me. For a time it worked. But then he revealed himself.

I am not going to pretend that this relationship didn’t leave a huge scar. Or that I’m okay. Because the truth is, I’m not. I am still dealing with the stain that he left on my life. The days keep passing and they don’t get any easier. Every day is a constant reminder, and most days I wish that I didn’t have to wake up.

An officer from the Met contacted me a while ago, regarding an allegation of harassment against me, made by Christian, but she doesn’t answer my inquiries. I don’t know the process in the UK, but one can assume it has been dropped if she refuses to return emails regarding the matter? At the very least she could let me know.

Henry Kinnersley, Christian’s twin, threatened to “prosecute” me to the fullest extent. I’ve never met him, I barely said two words to him when I was trying to get Christian a Green Card for America back in January, but according to him he’s an expert on my relationship (and tried to mansplain it to me). I’m tired of being told I’m lying, I’m tired of the threats. I wait with bated breath for “justice”, as he calls it, to be served.

Christian is a truly reprehensible and vile person, a compulsive liar and manipulator. Despite his claims to the contrary, I stand by the fact that I have told no lies. My only crime was loving him far too much, and being far too forgiving, and open to reconciliation, than he deserved.

When I met him I thought he was a snobbish bore. I wanted to believe there was more to him. That was not the case. I made him a better person in my mind. I gave him depth he does not possess. I thought he was, or could be, something extraordinary. If I could love him enough, care enough, showed him I believed in him I could bring out his best?

But he’s nothing more than a tulip in a cup, and he stands no chance of growing up. He watches YouTube videos and dating shows every second of the day, he’s illiterate, and he only cares about his weekly football matches, and his “dinners” with his brother and his Uni friends. There is no ‘there’ there. I had to teach him. I took him to task. I forced him to open up and move away from his comfort zone. I enlightened him to new ideas. I encouraged him to look beyond his small world. I asked him to be his own person. I wanted him to place less emphasis on what others thought. I demanded he become emotionally intelligent. I would have done anything in my power to ensure his success. I would have given anything to ensure his happiness.

We shared a lot of the same thoughts, and we agree on the same ideas, even our character traits are pretty similar so I thought we were on the same page. I thought when he was in Paris he could be himself, without pretense. But he was nothing more than a city boy, living in his small minded London world, never growing, never wanting to go beyond. No aspirations, no ambition beyond growing up to be Boris Johnson.

All of the traits I thought he possessed were traits I gave him. I asked him to go beyond what he was, and what he knew. I wanted more for him. I pushed him to finally take the GMAT and submit his application for Harvard. I sent his resume to companies. I tried to sponsor him for a green card for the US so he could work there. I told him to use my address and apply for residency in France if Paris was what he really wanted. I wanted great things for him, and I would have done anything to get them for him. If he had wanted to stay home and paint for the rest of his life I would have worked so he wouldn’t have to. Because when you love someone you will go to the ends of the earth to make their dreams come true.

But he resented me for it. He is impuissant and stagnant. He will always be vain, arrogant, and pigheaded. To be someone profound, to truly be someone with depth, you have to have intelligence beyond inputting numbers into Excel. He is incapable of accountability and self-critique. He’s as deep as a puddle. Whatever he was when he was with me was transference. It’s the reason I am confused by the ‘new’ person he became. It’s not new, it’s who he always was. Whoever I thought I knew was a figment. I grieve for ‘him’.